After spending almost five months hiding behind Fatigue and two months behind Candida, I finally danced my Dark Night of the Soul. At first, the sounds of the drums in the dance room were distant, away from my own world, even though I was no more than 2 feet away from the drummers. Bodies were moving around me passionately, wildly. I tried to find the door to their fiery world but I was still lost in mine, trying to find my own rhythm.
But don’t you see? That’s just the problem. Too much time has been spent trying to find my rhythm, trying to find my path, trying to find my way, when it’s right inside of me whole time. Too much energy has been released looking to the outside world for inspiration and guidance, yet all the answers I need are within me. But somehow, in that moment, the wisdom I have heard so many, many times became tangible. I finally understood. I finally listened. I finally surrendered.
My body began to move in ways I didn’t know existed within my flesh. My legs became alive with movement , my arms beat fiercely against my body. Out of the exhaustion, out of the lethargy, the moment I surrendered to my dance, I became alive. I released judgement, from others, from myself, as I let my heart guide the wildly animated dance which birthed from my surrender. A sharp pain in my knee began to pulsate from months of inactivity. I kept moving, asking the dance to be medicine. And medicine it was. After the music died down, my entire body smiled. My entire body felt released, felt free.
That night when I got home, I sat down on the couch and just…felt what was flowing through me. But how can I put to words the medicine of my dance, the healing of my soul. The feeling of bliss when you finally let go of all inhibitions and dance to the beat of your own Soul. There are no words. A book, Earth Medicine, filled with Native American wisdom, “364 daily offerings organized according to the cycles of the moon”, sat on the coffee table. In the beginning, author Jamie Sams explains how to find today’s date using the moon calendar. He also offers the following suggestion:
“When you are feeling out of balance or overwhelmed, you may sit quietly and keep the book closed in your hands with the binding resting in your lap. Take a few deep breaths to relax your body and still your mind. Reverently ask for the teaching, story, or poem that will nurture you or bring peace to your situation. Take a moment and allow your fingers to feel for the right place among the pages, and then open the book to that page.”
With my eyes closed, I flip through the pages, back to cover, asking, “how do I continue to feel this love for myself?” I slow down and stop, eyes still closed, but it feels off. I start again, from back to front. I finally rest my hand upon a page. Once again, I ask before opening my eyes, “how do I continue to feel this love for myself?” I open my eyes to this poem, my answer to love:
Acceptance of the Whole Self (Third Moon 28)
The balance and acceptance
Of all parts of the whole,
Come when we can honor
The lessons in every role.
The shadow reflects the lessons
Of every denial we hold.
The mind can thwart or assist,
Choosing to encourage or scold.
The body reacts to all thoughts,
Whether they hinder or aid;
Freewill determines the outcome,
As we choose to love or degrade.
The spirit watches in silence,
Nurturing the Eternal Flame,
Counting the losses and victories,
Of the “Will Versus Shadow Game.”
The playing field of Mother Earth,
With the worlds of spirit unseen,
Affords a multitude of choices,
Lessons for every human being.
Wholeness to each is different,
Finding balance without denying,
That peace comes from acceptance,
From truth instead of lying.